---

how i felt yesterday for that fleeting minute that felt like an hour // 2002-04-24

i knew deep down that when i went to bainbridge to see my optometrist yesterday that i would, without a doubt, run into my ex-boyfriend. and of course, i did. because i can sense things like that.

i was walking up the hill to the office, and i passed by the bakery where he always hangs out, and i saw him walking toward me (brown hair now? yes, that's definitely him), so i hurried up and kept walking. but of course, i couldn't help but turn around to see again if that was really him (sweat pants? check. white polo? check. grande green tea/coffee in hand? check), so maybe he saw me, and again i sped up. i looked back again, and i could tell he recognized me and was speeding up to catch me, but ha! i'm a smart one, so i walked faster. looked back again, yes, he's definitely coming after me. i make it very clear that i'm in a hurry (i am, aren't i?). he passes by the gym, where i'm certain he's going (since he's a trainer there, and that's where he spends all his time, of course), still after me, my heart beats faster and faster. slowly, in my head i assess the situation. do i want to see him? i look great today, of course. but i hate that rat-faced bastard (yes, he has a decidedly rodent-like look to him, in retrospect), i want to blow him off, but i know if i start talking, i'll somehow acquiesce and give him the wrong idea, that i'm still in love with him, even though he broke my heart and made me feel so bad for so long. goddamn, i'm thinking, i'm still feeling bad and it's three years later (three boyfriends later), and he made me into this suspicious, jealous, obsessive freak, and it's all his fault. go to hell, you fucker, i'm thinking, go rot in hell forever with your stupid red viper and your stupid, blonde, slutty, let's-go-party girlfriend. what was i doing with you anyway and what did i ever see in you?

but wait, i look back again, and i see that he's given up, he turns back toward the gym, walks through the parking lot, into the front door. gone again.

i'm so much smarter than you. more bitter, yes, but definitely smarter.

before // after