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hey, wait, i'm still a kid // 2002-12-05

i'm suddenly remembering a conversation i had with c a few weeks ago--last week, maybe, oh wait... it was thanksgiving when we were driving around longview and he was showing me where he grew up--when we were talking about being kids. i told him about the time i lived in oregon with my dad and wicked stepmother and stepsister and alcoholic grandfather, and how strange and horrible it was. i told him some things about this that no one else knows but i held back a few things about this that i will never, ever tell anyone. ever. i was telling him about the crazy fucked up school i went to and about the time one kid in my class came up to me, right after i moved there, and pulled me aside into the coat room and said, "i want to fuck your brains out," and i was in FOURTH GRADE at the time. i was only 9 years old. i told c that i remember thinking, "hey wait! this isn't right. i'm only a kid." and the great thing about c is that he told me he thought the same thing when he was a kid sometimes. or maybe he told me this first and then i confirmed with my story, i can't really remember now. today i was reading through kazaam's diary and she said something similar about feeling like that now. and that's when i started remembering all this. well, today i'm thinking, "hey wait, i'm still a kid," but i'm not sure why. maybe it's that feeling of being overwhelmed and thinking i'm not prepared to handle everything coming at me right now. or at least, i wish i was still a kid so this was a legitimate excuse.

i went to acupuncture this morning and i'm beginning to suspect that's what's making me so emotional today. and prolific.

p.s. i think i forgot to mention that the second toenail on my right foot has turned purple from the half marathon last weekend. at acupuncture this morning dr. wang put needles in my kneecaps because they also hurt from running, and now they feel much better. i can't wait until i'm an acupuncturist, too, and i get to put needles into other people's kneecaps. or into my own!

before // after