a r a j a n e . d i a r y l a n d . c o m

self-involed rant // 2004-05-05

a note and a warning: don't actually read this. it's really boring and self-involved and embarrassingly reflective. it's just that i got home tonight and c isn't here because he's out with a friend at the belle and sebastian show and i usually bitch about all this shit to him, but i can't right now. i warned you...

most of the time i think i'm pretty together, but sometimes i really think i'm cracking, and today is just so so so bad. i'm so tired. tired of everything, really. tired of school, and even more, tired of all the people at school. seriously, everyone is driving me crazy. so much passive aggressive, catty, whiney, complain-y bullshit. but then again, if everyone is driving me crazy, the problem is probably inside me, right? but--and i know i'm going to sound crazy for saying this--i'm usually right, and if i'm right, then everyone else is irritating and it's not me. but what it really comes down to is that i'm going to this school to learn things, not to get caught up in everyone's little web of drama. and by saying that i sound like the bitchy girl on the bachelor who says, "hey guys, it's not like i came here to make friends. i came here to, like, get a husband?" and if i were watching myself on tv i would think, "what a bitch". but does that dismiss the fact that I'M RIGHT!? or is being right an irrelevant thing when it comes to things like this? see, that's where i'm unsure and where i start to fall apart. what i'd like to do is take some kind of vow of silence at school. just decide not to say anything to anyone at all while i'm there (outside of the necessary things during class). but maybe just eat lunch alone and not talk to anyone since i've been tending to say the wrong thing when i open my mouth. and study in the library and sit by myself in the back of the class? wouldn't that be great? yes, yes it would be great. or at least, better than this.

before // after

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