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apathy schmapathy // 2005-08-24

lately i care about nothing. nothing. i go to clinic and school and am filled with nothing but apathy. today i actually thought about dropping out of school or at least taking a year off to rethink things. and the thought of this made me really, really, really happy. the only thing that has made me happy lately is baking, seeing movies, and playing carcassonne with c. can i make a career out of that?

i did my 5th danskin triathlon this last weekend, and surprisingly, with very little training, i did alright. meaning, it was my 2nd best time of the 5 times i've done it. seriously, this year i biked maybe a handful of times, i ran three or four times (but the last time was a couple of months ago), and i swam maybe once in the past 4 months. when i got home and told c, he said, "wow, isn't it amazing you can do that well without training?" and then we both decided that it probably wasn't the best lesson to learn from all this: by putting forth very little effort i can do okay. that is really not the message i need in my life right now. however, just this evening the pictures from the race were posted, and i was stunned to see just how much weight i've put on around my ass and thighs. holy fuck, we're talking mom jeans territory. i knew it was bad, but not that bad. i generally don't care too much about how i look, but those pictures made me want to cry.

and this morning c mentioned (casually, i suspect) about moving to the netherlands, but i latched onto that idea and now it's all i've thought about all day. it somehow seems like the answer to all this apathy. as if life will be more vibrant and wonderful in amsterdam, biking around in wooden clogs alongside canals and trees with a smile on my face.

before // after