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squirmy inside // 2002-05-24

this morning i had sex instead of studying for my chem quiz, which i believe i did very poorly on (the quiz, not the sex) since i just barely finished it and didn't even have time to look everything over to make sure i didn't make any silly mistakes. oh well. i feel vaguely bad, but it was absolutely worth it. (i don't want to be one of those people who takes what i have for granted.) i'm still feeling consumed with guilt for taking that croquette sauce container. my tummy was all squirmy last night and i could hardly eat. i thought about bringing it back and slipping it onto the table as quickly as i put it in my bag yesterday. the strangest thing is that i feel bad that c might find out--like he'd think less of me for doing such a stupid thing. i know logically that it's not a big deal and i've done far worse things in my life, but since i have something tangible that i now have to look at it's like i'm faced with my guilt all day long. i'm a wreck.

walking back from lunch, i had this strange feeling come over me. i was walking through the lobby of union station, this giant, empty hall, and i felt like i would never make it to the end of the room and i started to panic. i wanted to grab onto whatever was close to me to steady myself. i've never felt like that before, though i've read enough about them to know that that's what panic attacks feel like. and now i can't shake this feeling that something really bad is going to happen.

but shannon is here this weekend to take my mind off my guilt and that's a good, good thing! i'd really like her to meet c, though i think it might be weird for the both of them. c seems jealous because he's going away for part of the weekend and maybe thinks that i'll run off with her while he's not around? but if anyone understands jealousy, it's me. i love shannon dearly, but i'm not going to run away with her.

and, lastly--to add to this flutter of emotion--i just got 348,280 on ms. pacman. holy christ! that's my all-time high.

before // after